Funny things I've heard

Dad: What's the name of the man up town who raises sheep?
Mom: Do you mean Mr. Shepard?
Dad: Yes, that's it.

Chris: I went to high school with a girl named Julianne Fries.
Chuck: Did she have a brother named French?
Me: Did she have a Chinese half-brother named Time?

Rebecca: American what?
Me: Gothic?
Rebecca: Yes, that's it.

Dad: I've got to get a new crow.
(His previous dead crow which he hung in the garden as a warning to other crows had been reduced to a drum-stick.)

Steve: Daily.
Phil: Weekly.
Me: Xylophone.
Chris: Planet.

I was wearing a t-shirt I bought at Palomar Observatory which had all the planets on it.

Joshua: Uncle Russell, we are from earf, where are you from?

Yo momma's so crazy, she makes pi look rational.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us.

What's the difference between Justin Timberlake and the Carolina Panthers?  The Panthers went for two.