Funny things I've heard

Dad: What's the name of the man up town who raises sheep?
Mom: Do you mean Mr. Shepard?
Dad: Yes, that's it.

Chris: I went to high school with a girl named Julianne Fries.
Chuck: Did she have a brother named French?
Me: Did she have a Chinese half-brother named Time?

Rebecca: American what?
Me: Gothic?
Rebecca: Yes, that's it.

Dad: I've got to get a new crow.
(His previous dead crow which he hung in the garden as a warning to other crows had been reduced to a drum-stick.)

Steve: Daily.
Phil: Weekly.
Me: Xylophone.
Chris: Planet.

I was wearing a t-shirt I bought at Palomar Observatory which had all the planets on it.

Joshua: Uncle Russell, we are from earf, where are you from?

Yo momma's so crazy, she makes pi look rational.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.